Tag: dating

Every once in a while I come across an online dating profile of someone I know. Recently I was “liked” by a man I have already met.

About 2 years ago I was attending a show with some friends. It was a band I have seen often so I’m familiar with the regular band members. That night there was a musician I had never seen before playing with the band. He was attractive, but this was during the time I wasn’t dating so I didn’t think anything of it. During a break he came up to me and asked if he’s my (unnamed company) delivery driver. He has a day job working for a international delivery company and plays in several bands. He thought I was a woman on his regular route, or he just said that as a way to meet me. I thought we had a brief but pleasant conversation. My friends said I was kind of bitchy. Like I said, I wasn’t dating so I didn’t think much of it. Oh Well.

Several times since then I’ve seen him playing with different bands. By now I was ready to date again, and did I mention he is very attractive? He played a show at a place I regularly go when I quickly found out he had a girlfriend. She was at the gig with what looked to be her whole family. Oh well. Again.

Fast forward to a few days ago. I got a”like” from the Musician and I “liked” him back. I was happy he got in touch because, I may not have made it clear, he’s very attractive. And ladies, musicians, am I right? We chatted a little, then exchanged phone numbers. We talked on the phone for a little while. He said he remembered meeting me 2 years ago and that I wasn’t bitchy at all. Ha! Take that friends! Although he could have just said that because he wants to date me.

He said he got divorced about a year ago. I know he and his girlfriend had been together longer than that. Ok, long separation perhaps. Sometimes people wait until they can financially handle it or delay a divorce for other reasons. Regardless, it was a concern. He said he’s been on Match about a month. I knew I had seen the Musician with his girlfriend within the last month. I was concerned. He told me they had broken up and he was ready to move on. I agreed to meet him the next evening. I figured I could get the full story then.

The more I thought about it, the more it bothered me. The next day – the day we were going to meet – I reached out to someone who knows him and his girlfriend. I wanted to know if what he was telling me was true. The friend confirmed that he was indeed divorced not too long ago, but that the marriage was over long before that. The friend also told me a few red flags to watch for. More concern. I was supposed to meet him in a few hours. What the hell was I going to do?

With only a few exceptions, I have been notoriously bad at picking men. I cannot trust my brain to tell me when someone is right or wrong. Very often my fear takes over and clouds my judgement. So I’ve been “praying” for my body to tell me when someone is right or wrong. I am not religious, but I consider myself to be spiritual. I “pray” every night to a higher power, mostly as a meditative tool. I don’t think of it as “god” in the religious sense, it is more a connection to the great circle of life. I am grateful for all the wonderful people in my life and for my many blessings. I also ask for guidance. Perhaps there really is a higher power. Perhaps there is no higher power and it’s the meditation helping me. Regardless, it’s working. My body’s responses have helped me decide whether or not to meet Keith (see the previous post “Keith”), helped me decide which of the two men I’m seeing – that I met in person – I want to focus my energy on (oh how I wish I could tell those stories; perhaps someday…), and it helped me decide whether or not to meet the Musician.

The signals my body gives me is either serious stomach upset – not the nervous excited stomach upset – or my back hurts, or both. Yes, there is a part of my back that hurts when I think about certain men, amongst other potentially stressful things. My stomach was raging upset all afternoon thinking about meeting the Musician, so I cancelled the date. I gave him some bullshit story about how I just found out a different man I’d been dating for a few months was going to be where we were meeting, and I didn’t think it would be right to meet him when the other man was there. It allowed me to still go to an event I was planning to go to for weeks and not have to see him. I should have just told him the truth, that (if for no other reason) I wasn’t interested in someone who so recently broke up with his girlfriend. But I didn’t. Not that it matters now. When I cancelled it was instant relief. I thought then I had made the right decision, but I wasn’t sure.

There is a popular downtown area of Tucson, part of which is on 4th Avenue. It’s an area with bars, restaurants, theatres (yes I use the British spelling, don’t @ me) and shops. One of the venues I go to regularly on 4th Avenue is called The Hut. The night I was supposed to meet the Musician there is a regular event called Tribal Thursday. It’s a drum circle, music, and performances of dance and poetry, but people go mostly for the drum circle. In my family, as a child we weren’t asked if we wanted to play an instrument, we were asked what instrument do you want to play. I chose flute. My twin brother (yes, I have a twin brother) picked drums. If I had it to do over again I would have picked drums. Liking the drums as I do I was really enjoying the percussion that night, but was still feeling weird about what had transpired. About an hour into the show I got a message from the person I had contacted about the Musician. They had been in touch with the girlfriend. Not surprisingly, the girlfriend thought everything was fine between them. She was out of town and although he had the time off he chose not to go with her. My gut was right. Now I know I can trust my body to tell me when something is wrong. I honestly didn’t know until just then if it would ever be possible to trust any part of me to know what is right for me. I didn’t think an asshole like that could give me a great gift, but he did.

I haven’t been on a date with a man I met online in 2 months. I’ve expressed interest in quite a few men over that time. And there is lots of interest in me, mostly from men who are “aw hell no.” A few good ones I’ve connected with here and there, but nothing ever developed from our chats. I’ve run into quite a few scammers. It’s beyond frustrating and discouraging.

Finally, a week and a half ago I met a man online with whom there is mutual interest. We chatted for a few days, and eventually made a plan to meet on our next mutually available day almost a week away. We continued to chat a little over the next few days. I learned he used to work in the Treasury Department, was on the Secret Service detail for both Reagan and Mondale for 6 months each. He is currently a retired federal narcotics agent, hence his name “The Fed.” I told him that might be a problem as I have a lot of hippie friends that smoke pot. He said he left that behind with the job and his son has his card so it’s not a problem. Cool.

I was getting tired of texting so I asked him to call me. He agreed. We tried to arrange a block of time during which we would both be available for a decent length conversation. I was leaving it up to him and he never called. As you may recall from a previous post, if I don’t have any desire to talk to a man on the phone I probably don’t have any desire to see him in person. I was worried this was the case with him. I didn’t ask him why he didn’t call, I assumed he had his reasons. I made sure to reconfirm our date.

The day arrives. I’m a little nervous, but not too much. I like to be early and I was. As I was walking from my car I see a man pull in to the same area I’m parking and he looks kinda like the man in the pictures. It was indeed The Fed. We both tend to park farther away than most people. I don’t know why he does, but I do it for the exercise. And we both arrived at the same time, about 10 minutes early.

His profile says he’s 5′ 11.” As he’s getting out of his truck, it’s fairly obvious he’s not that tall. I am 5′ 5″ and was wearing 3 inch heels and I was as tall as he is. Alright, it’s something kind of benign to lie about, and many men do lie about their height in the profile to generate more interest. Okay, still not too short and not a deal breaker. I’m learning to look at the worst profile picture as a better representation of what a man looks like. Do you think I did that in this case? No, of course not. He looked somewhat like his pictures, but not as cute in real life. That’s disappointing, but maybe his personality will encourage me. Then he starts to talk and it’s clear why he didn’t want our first conversation to be on the phone – he has a pretty pronounced lisp. I don’t have a problem with a lisp, I have one sometimes with certain words, but that may have given me a bad 1st impression. I totally understand.

The next part I didn’t understand. He thanked me for showing up. The last woman he was supposed to meet never showed up. Are you kidding me? Ladies, don’t do that. At least have the courtesy to cancel the date, come up with an excuse, show up and make a rapid departure, act like a crazy person, something. Don’t just stand him up.

We sat down, ordered drinks and started talking. After a while we ordered some appetizers to share. I eat a salad almost every day. That being said, I like to eat. We ordered appetizers to share: chicken skewers, pretzels with cheese and mustard, and mozzarella sticks. I love mozzarella sticks. He was surprised I was eating real food and not a salad. So I told him what I tell any man – a girl’s gotta eat. And I did.

We were having good conversation for about an hour and a half. Then it was time to go. After several offers, he refused to allow me to pay the tip, insisting on paying the whole bill himself. He said when he asks a woman out it’s his responsibility. I reminded him he didn’t really ask me out, we just mutually agreed to meet. I don’t expect a man to pay for everything unless that’s agreed to in advance. I was fully prepared to pay at least the tip, but he refused. And I am very appreciative whenever anyone picks up the bill.

He is probably the most “normal” man I’ve ever been on a date with. I hate to use the word “average,” but that’s what he was. Perfectly nice, good conversation, but unfortunately there is nothing very remarkable about him. More importantly, no sparks. No real attraction on my part, no real desire to see him again as anything other than a friend. I always hate having to tell a man “I’m sorry, but I think we’re better suited as friends.”

I’m still waiting for a real connection with someone I meet online. I surprisingly found one with a real live man I met in person a month into my online dating experience. I might share a little about that in a future post, but I promised him I wouldn’t share details. If I’m ever able to, you’ll hear about one of the best dates I’ve ever been on. It culminated with a kiss that coincided with fireworks, well 1 random firework.

Out of the hundreds of men I’ve expressed an interest in on 3 different dating sites, one date. Out of the dozens of men I’ve chatted with, one date. Y’all know what happened with the Fire Captain, and it’s still better than I’ve managed to do so far meeting men in person. Good gracious.

While it’s not always evident, I am what my Boston friends call “wicked smaht” (or “smart” for the rest of the English speaking world). I used to have an IQ in the low 130’s, but that was a lot of wine ago. I’m still pretty smart and I have a hard time finding good men my age, with whom I have mutual interest, who are as smart as me. I’m not bragging, I wish I were genius or a fool. In between kinda sucks, but I digress.

Then one day I see a profile for a cutie patootie man, Ivy League educated, close to my age. Sounds too good to be true, and usually when it sounds too good to be it usually is. After a few chats I realized he is he who he said he is. It’s usually quickly obvious when a man is genuine. We decide to meet. A nice Mexican restaurant at a place called St. Phillips Plaza, a collection of higher end shops and restaurants in the foothills. He arrives, we’re seated, we have a quick introductory conversation and then he shows me a picture on his phone of these shoes he wants to buy. He wants my opinion. Really colorful and interesting $80 shoes. Odd, but okay. Maybe he’s trying to show he has money, or it was on his mind and wanted my opinion. Whatever the reason, it doesn’t really matter. I concurred that those were indeed very cool shoes and the conversation turned to other things.

Turns out he really is super smart, smarter than I in some areas. He knows 8 languages. He fluently speaks English (which should be implicit, but…), German and French. The other 5 he knows are ancient languages. I made a joke about ancient Sanskrit, and that is actually one of the languages he knows! I learned a lot more than I wanted to know about Sanskrit, it’s sentence structure and how it compares to modern languages. We had a light dinner during which I learned he has a 5 year old son. He and his ex-wife are good friends (I am good friends with my 2nd ex-husband so I understand). They are raising their son to be non gender identified, letting him decide when he’s ready. Okay, cool. It’s not really my business at this point how they raise their child.

One of the things I’m looking for is a man to go out with once in a while. Weekends mostly. It doesn’t have to be every weekend, but at least a possibility. Ivy Leaguer has his son every weekend. Every. Single. Weekend. This is looking less like a dating prospect and more of a friend. It was, at least, nice to have an intelligent conversation.

What happened next really threw me. When the bill arrived, I offered as I usually do to pay the tip. He said
“that’s really sweet, but lets split the bill.” WTH? You can ask any of my friends or dates and they will tell you I am not one of those women who expect a man to pay for everything. I have a hard time letting my friends pay for drinks or dinner, etc., and I almost always offer to pay my share or at least the tip. In this case, he initiated the date and he picked the place. It wasn’t a cheap place either. I thought it was reasonable to expect him to pay the bill and I would get the tip. Nope. Luckily I had enough cash to pay my half. The date ended with a hug. He was going out of town for a few weeks, maybe we could get together when he gets back. Okay, sure. I’ll get right on that.

I’ll say this for online dating, it’s good for my ego. Between Match and Plenty of Fish, I’ve had interest from hundreds of men. Keep in mind I am new meat and reasonably attractive, so it’s not surprising. But still… With that said, all I can say is “oof.” I seem to be saying that a lot. Plenty of Fish is just another site full of nope…. nope…. aw hell no…. seriously?…. that one looks interesting, but no …. likes to hunt for sport or something equally as offensive to my sensibilities…. and so on. Maybe 1 in 20 are men I want to contact. There are a few repeats, but at least they are mostly different from the men on Match.

Paging through pictures of 100’s of men, I have learned some things. Am I less likely to respond if he uses the wrong your/you’re or there/their/they’re? Yes, yes I am. Am I less likely to respond if he doesn’t have a profile picture, or blurry pics, or pictures of him really far away or so close up you can only see his nose? Yes, yes I am. And 1 of my biggest peeves, a man who is wearing a hat in all his pictures, or worse a hat and sunglasses. What are you hiding? A lazy eye? A horn growing out of your head? A hat is not appropriate attire all the time. Either own the hair loss or shave it off, but you’re not fooling anyone.

If you have only one profile picture you are not likely to get any interest from me (anyone can take 1 good picture). Men who actually get me to read their profile, but don’t write an “about me” paragraph or 2 in their own profile don’t usually get any interest from me. If you can’t be bothered to write a few things about yourself, you’re not serious about finding someone or you have nothing to say. There’s a man with a t-shirt on in his profile pic that says “Obey.” No. 69 in your user name, even if it’s your birth year, no. BBW in your user name, no. User name “fetish worshiper,” “bustlover” (I have small boobs, but even if I didn’t…), or “aggressor,” no, no and no. Pictures of just your legs or half your face, no. You’d be surprised at the number of profile pics where all you see is half the man’s face. If your profile picture is sideways or upside down it means you either think it’s cute – it’s not- or you aren’t proficient enough to post a properly oriented pic. A profile picture of just your slammin’ body or of yourself in the gym, no. I don’t want someone so into himself he has little left for me. A profile picture of just a landscape, your house, your pet, your horse, your ridiculously jacked up 4 x 4, noooo.

While I find profile names like the ones mentioned above off-putting, I also appreciate knowing right up front what a man is about. I’ll pass on any man in full hunting regalia with his favorite rifle. I have owned a gun, shot several different handguns, and shot clay skeet with a rifle and was a pretty good shot. But I don’t like hunting in general, and if you’re that into it I’d rather not. I’ll pass on a man with trump gear, or a man with a wad of money displayed prominently in his hand (that’s great, but what do YOU have to offer), or utterly ridiculous clothes, but I appreciate knowing right up front what he’s about. A profile pic should show who you really are, and in that regard honest pictures and profile names are helpful.

After a few days on Plenty of Fish, I’m going to try Zoosk. Might as well. If I’m serious about meeting men with whom I might eventually want a relationship, quantity will hopefully lead to quality.