I thought I might periodically give you an idea of my life before I started dating a year ago. I’m going to save the story of my early “dating” life for a time when you know me better. It’s difficult for me to discuss, partly because of how it reflects on me, and partly because there are things I don’t necessarily want my family – or the world for that matter – to know. So this is from 2005 to present.
To the two men who I was in a relationship with between 2005 and 2016 I will not use your names, but there will be people who know who you are. I am not going to share anything too personal or anything that isn’t true. There are some things you do not know or may not like, so read on if you still want to…
My longest relationship was 10 years with a man to whom I was never married (how’s that for grammatical correctness!). He will heretofore be referred to as “The Ex.” We had dated for about a year, broke up, then got back together a few years later when we subsequently moved in together. At the time I loved him. I don’t know if I was “in love,” but he certainly made my heart beat faster and my loins heat up. A few years later I found out he cheated within the first year we were back together. At the time I had a dog named Lucy who was my angel on earth. I loved her more than I did most humans and would do just about anything to take care of her – staying with him helped me do that. So I believed him when he said he wouldn’t do it again and I stayed. But he did do it again. And again. And again. He was a serial cheater. And he didn’t love me. Why on earth did I stay 10 years? Because it was easier than leaving. Because I didn’t want to struggle financially again. Because it was the best way to take care of my dog.
The first 11 years I had my dog Lucy my life was ruled by her. By choice. Living in a relationship with someone I no longer loved and who never loved me was killing my heart and my soul. As much as I loved my dog, I just couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t slowly die inside and stay with him for my dog. So we left. There are things about The Ex that I miss, but sadly I haven’t missed him a single day. He and I had some great times. He otherwise took good care of us, especially Lucy. Of the few people I trusted to take good care of Lucy when I was traveling, he was the one I trusted the most. Of course I benefited in many ways from the relationship, but it feels like I wasted 10 years of my life.
The moral of this part of the story: unless neither one of you is interested in a lifelong partnership, if you are in a relationship that may get serious ask yourself “do I want to spend the rest of my life loving them with everything in my heart and soul I have to give?” If the answer is “no,” you are wasting your time and theirs. Every day you’re together is one less day to find the person who does want to spend their life loving you and you them. The Ex didn’t value or cherish me. He certainly didn’t love me. He didnt call me once when he was in Iraq for a year. I never met, talked to or corresponded with any of his family (they are in New York), and I met very few of his friends. And he never once told me he loved me. Who knows who I could have met had I left when I found out about the first time he cheated. Maybe better, maybe worse. I’ll never know.
The last year or two I was with The Ex I didn’t really feel much of anything for him. I would have sex with him once or twice a week because we lived together. I felt it was part of my responsibility in our relationship, as crappy a relationship as it was. He was my friend, an occasional companion to baseball games and New Year’s Eve events. But I no longer loved him. When we left I felt as though I had left the relationship long before and dating right away would be okay. Very soon after Lucy and I left, I got involved with a new man. I’m going to call him “EAAE” for reasons that will become clear later. I had known him tangentially for 9 years. He was someone who used to work for the same company as I do. It wasn’t like I was getting involved with a total stranger. Or so I thought. It got serious way too quickly, which should have been a warning sign, but I ignored it just like I did the others. Yes, there were other warning signs, and I explained them away or ignored them. We were in love. We ended up living together in a house I hated, in an area I hated, but I was with the man I thought I loved so it would be okay, right? Wrong.
I knew EAAE was an alcoholic. He had been able to control his drinking when we started dating, but when we moved in together I realized how bad it really was. He had lost his job at our mutual place of employment, another warning sign I ignored. He was “working” for himself then. At first he had work almost every day and was able to cover his bills. Partly because of his laziness, partly because of the alcoholism, the work dried up. On days he had nothing to do is when he’d usually start drinking super early, sometimes as early as 8-9 a.m. Some days he’d pass out as early as noon or one o’clock and expected me to be quiet until I went to bed around 11pm. Needless to say, we rarely went anywhere. Even if he could stay sober long enough to go out in the early evening, he couldn’t drive. I always drove, and more and more I had to pay if we went out. I was subjected to verbal and emotional abuse. He accused me of cheating because I was gone longer running errands than he thought I should be. I was apologizing all the time even if it wasn’t my fault just to keep the peace. And on, and on, and on.
After a little more than a year together the final straw was when I couldn’t trust him to be alone with my 13 year old dog Lucy. Everyone who had ever spent more than a few minutes with her loved her. She was sweet, smart, funny, willful, beautiful… She was the most amazing dog and I couldn’t understand why he didn’t like her. He didn’t care about me or my feelings at all. He didn’t even care enough to pretend to like Lucy. We left right before Thanksgiving 3 years ago. We stayed with my dad for 4 months while I found a place to live. My dear father was overly generous and gave me the down payment for my house. I think he felt he had to make up for things that happened when I was in high school. That’s a story for another time. He had nothing to make up, but I think it made him feel better and I was happy to finally have my own home.
If you read the post “The Musician,” you may be wondering what my body was telling me when I was with The Ex and then EAAE. I had stomach and digestive issues most of the time I was with The Ex. I thought it was part of getting older, a result of the anxiety I’m feeling most of the time. I had some problems off and on in early adulthood, but it got worse as I got older. It was the same with EAAE, stomach and digestive problems most of the time. I thought it was normal for me, and may just be how I always am (it might still be my norm, but hopefully not because of being with the wrong man). I didn’t understand what my body was telling me, hadn’t yet learned to listen to it. I really, really wish I had learned to listen to it when I was young. There’s a lot of things I wish had been different when I was young. Stories for another time.
I understandably did not date – by choice – for almost exactly two years from the day I left my emotionally abusive alcoholic ex, or EAAE (I told you it would become clear). Of course during those two years I had any number of interested men. To be fair though, only 1 or 2 would have interested me otherwise. It hasn’t really changed much since I started dating – only a few men here or there I’m interested in, and you know how my online dating is going.
As bad as my EAAE was, there are some very good things that came from it. When I left my 10 year relationship with The Ex, I didn’t have very many friends in Tucson. Most of the people I liked to be with are in Boston and Vermont (friends and family that moved away). My EAAE has a sister that I like very much. I’m going to call her “Katie.” Her and her husband – I’ll call him “George” – are amazing friends and amazing human beings. We stayed friends after the breakup, a fact that irked my EAAE to the point where he’s basically ended his relationship with his sister. Although we weren’t married, our joke is that I got his sister and her husband in the divorce.
Through Katie and George I have made literally dozens of friends, including a few to whom I feel very close. I’ve been accepted into a community of wonderful, caring people. I actually have friends I want to spend time with, lots of them. I’ve been introduced to many good local bands. I met the man that made me want to start dating again at a weekly performance by an awesome band called the Bryan Dean Trio. One of the men I met in person I met going to a weekly gig by Top Dead Center, another good local band. Without my EAAE I don’t think I would have my own home. I know I would likely have never met most if not all of the many amazing people who are now in my life, or found any of the great live music I now enjoy. In short, because of the worst relationship I’ve ever had I got so much good.
I have a lot of regrets in my life, and that’s an understatement. One of the biggest is my relationship with EAAE. I wish I hadn’t gotten involved with him let alone live with him. But every time I think that, I realize much of what is meaningful in my life now is because of him. Had we not dated I probably wouldn’t have my cute little house. Had I left sooner Katie and I may not have become such good friends. Had I left sooner I wouldn’t have many of the wonderful people in my life. Had I left sooner I likely would have nothing that I have now. My life, much like me, is far from perfect. But I cannot deny it is certainly better because of my emotionality abusive alcoholic ex.