Should I Try?

After feeling rather invisible to potential paramours lately, I’ve recently had a few interesting interactions with various men. One of the places I go for live music is a plaza surrounded by 3 restaurants and some businesses. After my awful margarita/wine experience, I pretty much only drink wine now. I went to the bar at the restaurant where I usually get a glass of wine. There were 2 men at the bar, one of whom was wearing a Raiders hat. I’ve been an Oakland/L.A./Oakland/Vegas Raiders fan since I was in grade school. I find that some people who wear Raiders gear aren’t really fans and just wear it for the esthetic. I asked if he is a fan and he is, so we started talking Raiders, football, then sports in general. The man he was with said he’s in sports media (writer I think), but I didn’t know him. Anyhow, we all 3 had a lively sports conversation and then I went outside for the band I was there to see. I wasn’t attracted to either man, although the Raiders fan seemed interested. He didn’t ask for my info, and didn’t wander out to where the band was playing, so maybe not.

Another time I was in one of the other restaurants, and that one has a lot of TV’s tuned to sports. There was a football game on, so I stopped to ask a couple of random men if it was an old game or a preseason game. They told me it was a preseason game. The younger of the two men proceeded to flatter me and flirt hard. The attention was nice, but he was just too young, and frankly a bit too aggressive. So I took my leave and went outside to enjoy the band.

The last encounter was also at a bar where a band I love was playing. I don’t like the bar, but I love the band so I went anyway. A couple of my friends were at the bar, and sitting a few seats away was a rather attractive man. I mentioned it to my friends. Then I noticed he was closing his tab. I leaned over and asked if he was leaving already and he said he was. Oh well. Imagine my surprise when a few minutes later he came to talk to me.

Unfortunately, the more he talked, the less interested I became. It wasn’t what he was saying, it was the odd way his mouth and head moved when he talked. I’m looking for a long term relationship, and I just couldn’t see me looking at that every day! He wasn’t suffering from a handicap or physical deformity, he just talked weird. At one point a friend came up to me and told me he knows that man and he’s an assh*le. I don’t know if he really is an assh*le, but that kind of sealed the deal — I wasn’t going to give him my info. He did ask for my number, but didn’t write it down saying he’s good at remembering numbers. I figured he was just saying he’d remember it and was really just looking for an out, so I gave him a number, it just wasn’t mine!

I figured that was the end of it. I was wrong. The next weekend, this man I don’t recall seeing before the previous weekend showed up for the band I was seeing at a venue across the city from where we met. It took him a long time, but he finally came over to talk to me. He said “you gave me the wrong number!” Oh shit. What am I going to say? So I nodded my head and said with a wry smile “yeah, yeah I did.” He still kept trying to talk to me. He said something about him thinking I might be there and looking for me. I don’t know about that, but luckily a friend came up to talk to me and distracted me. He eventually wandered away. I would think giving him a wrong number on purpose would be a giant hint that I’m not actually interested. Perhaps he thought he remembered it incorrectly, or that I gave him the wrong number accidentally. Whatever. While I appreciate the attention, it’s attention from the wrong men.

A few months ago I was at one of my favorite places for live music – sitting outside at the Hut. A woman approached me and asked if I am Robbye. Why yes, yes I am! I don’t recall how, but she came across my blog. She said she knew exactly who I was talking about when I wrote about the pitcher. Not the ghost³ pitcher, but the one I met during my online dating days. We shared a few anecdotes, and indeed we had met the same man. Not surprisingly, our stories were very similar. Not surprisingly, we were both grateful the interactions with him were brief! For some unknown reason he texted me a while back. I did not respond.

I have to admit – well, I don’t have to, but I’m going to anyway – I still think about the ghost³ pitcher. Not every day, but enough that I feel so completely stupid. I’m angry, partly at him that he turned out to be a liar, a coward, and an assh*le, but mostly I’m angry at myself. It is one of the biggest disappointments of my life. Not just disappointed that this man who gave me such peace treated me like garbage, but mostly disappointed in myself for putting up with it at all. I’m disappointed that it’s been 4 years since I’ve seen him, 3 years since I’ve heard from him and I still think about him. And that leads to thoughts of other men in my past, other disappointments, other huge mistakes. It deepens my anger and disappointment in me. It’s made me seriously question if I’m capable of finding the “right” man for me, if such a thing even exists.

I have a friend who wants me to try online dating one more time. I don’t think I even have the energy, let alone the inclination, to do that again. My track record of a lifetime of the wrong men and really bad choices have made me think I’m better off not trying. It’s harder for women my age to find a good man. They all want young, thin, and blonde. I’m none of those things. I’m 10-15 pounds overweight, and like many women in our late 50s, I carry it in my midsection. I can’t make myself younger. I could dye my hair blonde, but it’s so long and grows so fast that it would cost a fortune to maintain. Plus, I really don’t want to have to be someone I’m not. I have to face facts and accept I may be alone for a long time. That’s still preferable to being with yet another wrong man. Again.