Just like 2021, thus far 2022 has had a few good things happen here and there, but for the most part it has sucked. And it’s not even half over.
One bored night in February found me wondering if Facebook dating was still as bad as it was when it started. So I put up a profile. It is definitely as bad as it used to be. I gave it a week just to be sure. Yup, still bad. I finally got an Instagram account. I hear people talk about how they met on Instagram. So far the only interesting men who follow or message me have clearly been catfishing. I did find some fun accounts and at least one friend who isn’t on Facebook, so it hasn’t been all for naught.
Then there was a night in March. I had been trying to reach my big brother all day. At first I wasn’t too worried because he often slept during the day. But as the day turned to evening and I still hadn’t been able to reach him my concern grew. I went to his house. You may recall he moved in with our elderly father and stayed there after dad passed in October. His car was there. His keys and phone were there. His TV was on and his bed looked like it did when he’s hanging out in his room, but no brother.
I thought I looked in all the rooms and not finding him I called the police to report him missing. They told me I first had to call the hospitals and jail to make sure he wasn’t admitted anywhere, so I made the calls. No brother. I called the police back and they were going to send an officer to take a report. I called his best friend to update him when l looked in the guest bathroom. I think I screamed “no no no!!” as I saw my big brother slumped over the tub. He was clearly dead. In full rigormortus and blood pooled in the lower extremities. His friend told me to call an ambulance which I did. The 911 operator was asking me questions as EMS was dispatched. She asked if I knew CPR. I do not. She said she can talk me through it. I said I’d be happy to if I thought it would do any good, but he was stiff as a board.
When EMS arrived they concurred that my brother had passed. During all this I had been in touch with the other man I met in person. When he knew my brother was dead he came right over. I didn’t even have to ask. My brother’s best friend also came over and we all waited for the Medical Examiner. And I had terrible phone calls to make. The first was to wake my twin brother in Vermont and tell him he had to come home. Stepbrother #1 was next, he’d tell stepbrother #2. Everyone else could wait until morning.
Stepbrother #1 couldn’t sleep, so he came to my brother’s as well and I sent home the other man I met in person so he could get some sleep. I was so grateful he was there. I’m sure it wasn’t easy being in a house with a dead body in another room. The M.E. arrived and he and the police officers who had been there the whole time had to take my brother out. Although it appeared he had a heart attack, he was headed for an autopsy to determine cause of death. His best friend left, stepbrother left, and I finally left, still in total shock.
The next few days were a blur of informing people of his death, taking peoples’ condolences and setting up the funeral. My twin brother was able to make it here the next night. He’s the only close blood relative I have left. My mom’s brother might still be around, but he’s been estranged since my grandmother died. No other aunts or uncles. Our only 1st cousin passed away more than a year ago. It’s just me and my twin now. He was such a big help and it was so nice to have him here for 10 days.
My brother didn’t express his wishes for what to do when he died. Taking care of the environment was important to him so we thought we’d do what’s best for the environment, was available to us in Tucson, and what we could reasonably afford. We decided on cremation, but were still unsure if that was the right thing. Then we spoke to my brother’s best friend. His wife had told him she didn’t think he’d like anything more than to be cremated and to scatter his ashes on the hiking trails he loved so much. It solidified our choice and we were at peace with it. We held a memorial service 10 days after he passed, and a remembrance of life celebration afterwards. My twin left for his home in Vermont first thing the next morning.
As I write this it’s been 2 months since my big brother died. I think I am finally coming out of shock. I haven’t been able to grieve as I’m sure I should. My brother didn’t have a will, so in addition to all the stuff that didn’t get done after dad passed, I now have to take care of all my brothers affairs as well. And I have to clean out the townhouse they both lived in. To say there is a lot of stuff would be an understatement. Thankfully I’m surrounded by wonderful friends and my stepbrothers who have been helping me. I am not one to ask for or easily accept help, but I couldn’t do it alone, so I’m very grateful.
Since August, I’ve lost my friend in Boston, my dad, and my brother. And now I fear my 14 year old dog Sparky is next. He’s slowed down dramatically in the last 6 months, and especially the last month. At least with him I expect it. It doesn’t make it easier to let him go.
I managed to make it through more than two years of Covid19 before I got it 2 weeks ago. 24 of us contracted it when we went to see a regional band in a well ventilated bar. Luckily I’m vaxxed and boosted so it wasn’t too bad. Mostly like a bad cold with some serious fatigue. It’s possible I’ve had it previously. I have year round allergies and if I had a mild case I may have concluded it was the allergies and not Covid19. Regardless, now I know I’ve had it. And I didn’t have to see a doctor – thank you modern science for the vaccine.
I’m really trying to find more humorous things to write about. My dad and brother left a house full of stuff I have to go through, perhaps there will be some interesting finds. Maybe I’ll regale you with all the legal stuff I have to deal with. No, that’s probably not funny. Surely you’ll laugh when I tell you my heart sometimes still aches for the ghost³. Actually, it aches for the peace I felt when I was with him. I can’t possibly miss the actual person I clearly never really knew. But I miss that peace so much right now. When I was with him, he made everything bad go away, even if only for a few moments. I wish so badly for that peace all on my own.