As crazy as it sounds, in many ways 2020 was better for me than 2021. There are good things I’m grateful for in 2021: I’m extremely grateful that Joe Biden is President – he is at least a decent human being; I have considerably less stress (but for the worst of reasons); as you saw from my previous post, I got my Wilbur, but that’s been a mixed bag as well; I got to go to my first Dead and Company show, but it took so long to get in I missed 1/3 of the show. I’m sure there were good things here and there. For the most part 2021 has sucked.
Like many people, I was laid off from my job in March 2020. I had already cut my hours way back about 6 months prior to take care of my dad full time, so it worked out okay. Dad had Alzheimers and stage 5 kidney failure. My older brother and I had been taking care of him for several years and the amount of help he eventually needed made it impossible for me to work another job and not be completely spent. I was already exhausted.
My boss wanted me to come back to work in February 2021, but we couldn’t afford to pay someone to be with dad during the day when I would be at work. I love my dad, and I’m grateful I was able to take care of him along with my older brother. However, it meant that I didn’t have much of a life for 3-4 years. I used to travel a lot, but I hadn’t been farther than Phoenix in literally years. It was partly due to not having anyone to take care of my dogs, mostly because of taking care of dad. I couldn’t even get a break working my old job.
In September we made the very difficult decision to put him in a memory care facility. It had gotten to the point where my brother and I couldn’t take good care of him anymore. He needed more help than we could give him. We really hated to do it, but it was the best thing for everyone. Suddenly, after years of being tied to dad-care, I had my freedom back! And then I immediately felt guilty for even thinking it.
My dad had a very sweet little dog named Chito. When he adopted him as a 1 year old from the Humane Society 4 years ago, I promised my dad I would take care of Chito if he died before the dog. I knew full well at the time that I was likely going to be taking Chito. My brother had no interest in taking him, so when we put dad in memory care I got his dog.
I love animals, especially dogs. Little or big or anything in between. Chito was used to an old man that he was with constantly who totally doted on him. He was not used to being left alone with my big dog (who he knew well) and a bully kitten for hours when I went to work. He was not used to rules, and discipline, and not eating people food. For many reasons it became almost immediately apparent that Chito was not a good fit for me, nor I for him.
I took Chito with me to visit dad at memory care. All the women in the office just loved him. There was one lady to whom I mentioned I wasn’t sure that I could keep the dog, and she instantly said “I’ll take him!” She was just getting ready to retire, so she was perfect for Chito. Long story short, she adopted him and changed his name to Grayson. I guess because he’s gray in color. Still, it’s a weird name for a dog. Anyhoo, from the pictures and descriptions she sends me he seems very happy. He’s in a much better place for him, and I have more freedom! And then I immediately felt guilty for thinking that.
Not taking care of dad full time meant I could get a job. A dear friend mentioned to me that she knew of a job at a theater costume shop. I have a degree in fashion design, but I never really wanted to design regular clothes. I love costumes, and I hoped to someday be able to work in that field. I liked the seamstress job I was doing when I was laid off. I worked inside a drycleaners, and I really liked the store I was at (there are multiple locations), the customers there (besides that being where I met the ghost³), and most importantly I really liked the people I worked with. When dad went to memory care and I was able to work, they didn’t need help at that store. I had been with the company for more than 13 years and I knew that was the only store I really wanted to work in. When I was told about the costume shop job, I jumped at it! I was basically hired on the spot and I started there in early October, just in time to get thrown in for Halloween. In addition to costuming all the shows, we also rent and sell costumes year round. I’m not designing costumes for the theater, and I don’t get to sew as much as I want to, but I really like it there. If I still had to take care of dad I never would have gotten that job. And then I immediately felt guilty for thinking that.
The week after I started my new job dad passed away. He had just turned 90 a few weeks before. His Alzheimers and kidney failure were in very advanced stages when he got Covid19 three weeks after moving to memory care. It was too much for him to handle. I had only been able to visit him twice in the last week of his life, and I was grateful I had those visits. Many people couldn’t visit their loved ones who had Covid19. Masked and gowned and otherwise covered from head to toe, my 2nd visit was the morning of the day he died. He passed over alone a few hours after I left. It makes me sad to know he was alone, but he had been gone for a long time. That morning he was basically just a breathing shell of a man. Suddenly the “burden” of visiting him every day and being the ultimate decider regarding his medical care was lifted! And I immediately felt guilty for thinking that.
I have since reconciled all those guily feelings as valid and nearly universal for caregivers in our situation. Yes, it was a blessing to be able to take care of him, but it was also very stressful and exhausting. Of course I would feel relief that the stressful and exhausting part is over, and grateful his suffering has ended. I had seen him suffer so many times, things no one else saw. For example, there were a few times when we were at a doctor appointment and he would start to cry. In those somewhat lucid moments he had an idea what was happening to him and he was so scared. It broke my heart. So you can see why I say having much less stress this year is good, but it came for the worst of reasons.
You may recall that across the street from my dad’s lives an older woman, and her son went to stay with her for a few weeks. Then it was a few months. At least a year later and he’s still there. I don’t know what happened to his girlfriend. He came to dad’s funeral. I was greeting people who were there and he made it very clear he was there because he knew my dad from when he lived there about 10 years ago. So he’s still not interested in me. I’m still seeing the man I met in person. 2 1/2 years, but we are not boyfriend and girlfriend, and for a number of reasons we likely never will be. At least we enjoy each other’s company and I’m not totally alone.
Then there is Stephen. My best friend (who is not Stephen) moved to Boston 20-some years ago. Stephen was one of his very best friends and became my friend. I won’t pretend Stephen and I were best buds or anything. We communicated occasionally, especially when Project Runway was on. I loved spending time with him and his husband when I was in Boston or they were visiting here. One day in August my best friend called and told me Stephen died that morning. It was a shock. He was younger than me, and I hadn’t known he was sick. He was such an amazing person. Everyone that knew Stephen loved him, and that’s likely only a slight exaggeration. He and his family were close, he had many close friends who love him dearly. It’s very sad. I still can’t quite believe he’s gone. It’ll probably sink in the next time I visit Boston.
Speaking of sinking in… you may recall that the day after the Winter Solstice of 2020 was when I heard from the ghost³. I don’t know what it is with him and the Winter Solstice, but the day after the Winter Solstice 2021 I learned from a friend that the ghost³ has made his temporary move out of state permanent, everything is going great for him, and he’s blissfully happy. All I can say about that is thank god and good riddance. I know he has family here, but hopefully he’ll do the women of Tucson a favor and stay gone. Hey, something good did happen in 2021!!