I’ve been told many times by well-meaning people to stop looking and I’ll find someone when I least expect it. Perhaps that is true. I’ve owned my home for 4 years. I’ve had numerous contractors in my house. HVAC techs, plumbers, etc. A lot of HVAC techs – my system is 22 years old. Not one of them was even remotely attractive. I mean seriously, not one where I even bothered to look for a wedding ring.
I needed a plumber for a problem with my bathroom plumbing, and a leak under the kitchen sink that I had yet to find from where the leak was coming. The last plumber couldn’t find it either. Anticipating that this service tech would be like all the rest, of course I had on what I threw on when I got up – lounge pants and an old t-shirt. What did it matter? Well that day it mattered.
The plumber arrived sans mask, but only for a few moments before he put his on. It was long enough to see that he is totally cute. A little shorter than I prefer, but he’s a plumber! I like handy men. I was suddenly painfully aware that I looked like I just rolled out of bed, and not in a sexy way, in a “damn lady, we called you 30 minutes ago to tell you we were on the way and you couldn’t even put on decent clothes and brush your hair?” kind of way. At one point he went out to the truck for a part. I contemplated changing my clothes, but I figured that was a little too obvious.
He found one leak and fixed it, and I found the other one that the plumbers couldn’t find. Ha! (It was actually the seal around the sink that needs to be redone). Anyhow, needless to say (but apparently I’m sayin’ it anyway) he did not ask if he could call me, and I haven’t gotten a “I just wanted to make sure the problems were fixed, and hey what are you doing Saturday night?” call. Oh well. So much for the plumber.
I spend almost every day at my dad’s. He’s 89 and has Alzheimers. He and my older brother live in a townhouse complex (my brother moved in to take care of dad for which he deserves a medal). We know all of our immediate neighbors. A few weeks ago I noticed that there was another vehicle in the carport of the elderly lady who lives across the street. Then I noticed the man that belongs to the vehicle. He looked to be around my age. Her son maybe? Although I saw him in passing a few times, there wasn’t an opportunity to say hello. Then one morning he was out walking his dog. He has a husky. I love huskies. The most amazing dog I’ve ever had was a husky mix. He stopped to say hello and introduce himself. He’s cute and tall and thin. Okay, cool. No wedding ring. Okay, even more cool.
He explained that his mother needed some work done around the house and it was easier to just stay with her for a few weeks. I thought maybe he lived somewhere else, but no he lives in the Tucson area. Okay, cool. Already 3 cools! It was when I asked about his dog that he pulled out the dreaded “we.” Next he was talking about him and his girlfriend. *%@$&!%*÷@%*. So much for that.
I have to be honest, I’m giving up looking. If there’s a man out there for me he can find me. I’m tired of wasting the time and energy. It’s been disappointing, frustrating, exhausting and a little sad. When I’m not at my dad’s I’ve been spending a lot of time alone. That’s not always a good thing. I am my own worst critic, and I often beat myself up for the 20 lifetimes of mistakes I’ve made. There has been some of that, but this time the introspection has been mostly useful.
The only common denominator in all my failures with men is me. I consider myself to be cute, occasionally pretty. There have been enough men attracted to me over the years that I know I’m not ugly. My friends tell me I’m a catch. I think they’re biased, but I’ll accept that I have a lot to offer the right man. So if it’s not my looks, and not a lack of desirable qualities, maybe my personality? That may be part of it as I can be difficult and moody. I readily admit that I’m emotionally stunted at 15. At 53 I’m still battling the scared teenager when I deal with men. I’m sure that can be difficult to handle at times. But I’m not a screaming bitch, I’m not clingy or demanding. If I’m in a relationship, my only “rule” is don’t do anything to disrespect yourself or me and you can do pretty much whatever you want. I seem to make people laugh, I’m open minded and willing to try new things. I’ve recently been told I have a beautiful voice which surprised the hell out of me. I’ve never liked my voice. All-in-all I think the good outweighs the bad. So what the hell?
With all the thinking time I have come to two revelations. The first is if there’s such a thing as a man I’m meant to be with, maybe I’m not ready for him yet. I’m not fully cooked and I need a little more time on the grill. I would have said “in the oven” but I’m mildly claustrophobic. If I were going to be on the stove top to avoid claustrophobia I may as well be outside on the grill. That took a weird turn. Anyhow, maybe I’m not quite ready for a “real” relationship. Maybe that’s one of the attractions to the man I met in person. I know he’s not going to want a full commitment so I don’t have to worry about that with him.
The second revelation is a little more difficult to accept. I don’t think I’ve ever fully committed to any man I’ve ever been with. Not 100%. Not even with either of my husbands. I have always held back some of myself in an attempt to not be absolutely crushed when (not if) it doesn’t work out.
With the introspection and revelations, I think I am now more amenable to working on a committed relationship. I am more willing to make compromises. Minor things like listening to modern “country music” if that’s what he likes (as long as he’s willing to try to listen to some of the music I like which is a huge variety). And major things like where we live. I feel if I ever do find the right man, I’m ready to commit myself to the relationship 100%. I don’t want to be crushed, but if it’s the right man hopefully I won’t be.