You may recall a previous post called “The Musician.” If you don’t, now is as good a time as any to read it. Go ahead, I’ll wait…. In that post I told you how I was learning to listen to my body to know when something is right or wrong. I mentioned the two men I’d met in person, one of whom didn’t make my back hurt or my tummy upset. More recently I told you that in January one of the two men I met in person had ghosted me. It was the same man who didn’t upset my stomach or make my back hurt. An alternate title for this post might be “How Stupid Am I?” Why? Read on …
March 2019 I was working a shift I rarely, if ever worked when he walked in. The very moment our eyes met it was literally an instantaneous attraction. The woman I was working with remarked on it after he left. I’d been at my job 14 years and worked at that store at least 200 times and I had never seen him before. I assumed I’d never see him again. I assumed wrong. About a month later I saw him at work again. After he left that time another co-worker said “I want to be invited to the wedding.” It was clearly a remark about the attraction between us. I don’t think she’s prescient. If she is she never told me! Anyhow, after his 2nd visit we became friends and the attraction only grew.
I try to be as honest and forthright as I can writing this blog. I’m tempted to be as open as I would be with friends, but in such a public forum I have to be more appropriate. So I’ll just say he excited me more than almost any man I’ve ever met and leave you to draw your own conclusions. He’s a great kisser. It may be a long time before I forget that 1st kiss. And his voice, I could listen to him talk all day. He rides a motorcycle sometimes. I’m not a fan of motorcycles, but I could see myself riding with him. I felt safe with him. Whenever we’d see each other the attraction between us was obvious.
Sounds great so far. Not so fast. For various reasons I didn’t get to see him very often, which sucked. But the biggest problem is he was terrible, I mean horrible about communicating. I don’t know how many times I asked him to please reply to a text, call once in a while, just stay in touch. I don’t ask for much. I’m pretty easy to please. I never wanted hours long conversations, texting me sweet nothings all day, anything like that. I didn’t text him frequently, in some cases not for a month or two. What I expect is to do what you say you’re going to do and if you don’t, make amends and do better; treat me with respect and appreciation; act like I’m a human with feelings.
He routinely took advantage of my forgiving nature, and I put up with it for only one reason. It wasn’t the instant strong attraction and connection, that we both break into a British accent for no apparent reason, or how excited he makes me. It wasn’t that I felt safe with him. The ONLY reason I tolerated it was because when I was with him I was at total peace. Not just total peace about him, but total peace. One time after I saw him I felt like every weight that had been on my shoulders for decades was lifted. I thought I might float through the sunroof of my car I felt so light. It was shockingly remarkable. So I put up with the horrible communication because I really thought it would all work out in the end, whatever “it” turned out to be. I was so looking forward to finding out if there was anything more than a strong attraction between us. Perhaps we would have been awful together, perhaps great. I just wanted a chance to find out why I had such peace about that man.
I guess I should have played hard to get, acted like I didn’t care if I saw him or not, but I don’t like playing games. You either like me as I am or you don’t. Apparently he didn’t because the last I heard from him was around the middle of January. Then nothing. For months. His schedule was supposed to open up in February or March. How convenient it was for him to totally blow me off right when I was supposed to be able to see him more. After almost a year he couldn’t just talk to me, tell me what was going on.
In April I sent him a message. Nothing bad, just a few things I wanted to say. It was short and sweet. Really. It had been so long since I heard from him I didn’t think he’d read it. That wasn’t really the point – it was more for me than for him, a sort of closure so I could just forget about him and move on. I certainly didn’t think he’d contact me. He did so the next day. We chatted. His schedule hadn’t opened up as he had hoped, then Covid19 hit and everything got pretty weird for everyone. So I gave him another chance. Why? The peace. It was that remarkable. And I’m weak when it comes to him.
I was hoping he’d heeded my need for him to communicate better. And he did. He texted me one day telling me he missed talking to me. Called a few days later and said how much he wanted to see me. It was okay until July. One day he texted me that he actually had an afternoon off from the job he typically works 6 days/week, 10-12 hours/day. He playfully hinted I might get to see him. I haven’t heard from him since. He didn’t bother to reply that day or the next. A few weeks later I sent him one more message asking if this is really how little I’m worth to him. Clearly it is. I can only assume for his own sick reasons he did it on purpose. Made me believe he cared about me, cared whether or not he could see me. This wasn’t some random dude I’d met online and didn’t hear from again. He made me think I’d get to see him then disappeared.
Now I’m left knowing that despite all his talk I was just someone to string along so if he didn’t have anyone better I’d be there. I feel like a total idiot believing anything he said. From March to January, whenever I was ready to give up he’d restore my faith in him. He apparently was doing just enough to keep me hooked. I feel like such a fool. And how stupid is he? All he had to do was stay in touch, treat me like a human being with feelings and he could have seen me pretty much whenever he wanted to.
So what in the hell am I supposed to do now? I absolutely cannot trust my brain to tell me when a man is right. My fears rule my brain when it comes to men. He’s the only man in 20 years that didn’t upset my stomach. If another man gave me such peace I don’t remember it. How do I reconcile that with how little he obviously cared about me? What if I never find that peace again, with or without a man? How do I trust myself to know if a man is right for me if I can’t trust my brain or my body? Why do I even trust men anymore? I’m either a hopeless romantic or complete idiot. Actually I’m probably both.