I really, really want my blog to be funny, or at least entertaining. Unfortunately, this year has been challenging and I’m struggling to find the humor in life. My 90 year old father has Alzheimers and stage 5 kidney failure. I’ve been taking care of him with my older brother for 3 years. We finally had to put him in a senior care facility a few weeks ago which was a very difficult choice. Among other things, it separates him from his little dog Chito. They loved each other very much. I had promised my dad when he was gone I would take care of Chito. Now that dad is in a care home I had to take his dog.
I love dogs. I’ve had dogs most of my life. I love animals to an almost annoying point. I am very animal sensitive and I can’t watch animal shows or movies where anything bad happens to them. I stopped watching local news in part because I’m tired of and sad hearing about animal abuse (it was primarily because of the bad things people do to other people, especially children and the elderly: a story about a 2 year old boy that was purposely starved to death was what did it for me). I already have a 12 year old dog and I don’t really want any more dogs, at least while I’m alone. My kitten was being a bully to Chito about the water bowls. For those and several other reasons I felt it was best to re-home Chito. Another painful decision that was the best thing for him and me. The Goddess of Dogs (if there isn’t one there should be) brought a wonderful woman into my life at just the right time. She was working her last 2 weeks at my dad’s care home. I had brought my dad’s dog to visit him one day and she said immediately “I want him! He’s so sweet!” And he is. She just retired so she’ll be home a lot. She really wants Chito and will give him a great home. That’s a win-win.
As you know I’m no longer doing online dating. I have to admit I miss the attention. Not enough to try it again anytime soon. I’m also not meeting anyone. I hope that will change now that I have more freedom because I’m not at dad’s 6-10 hours a day, 6 days/week. But I am no longer actively trying to meet someone. That doesn’t mean I won’t put myself in situations where I might meet a man. I’ll smile and flirt and flatter, but I will not initiate anything. If a man wants to see me again, he can ask for my number or at least how to find me online. I have been wrong every single time when I initiate with men. Every. Single. Time.
I am what I would consider spiritual, but definitely not religious. I pray every day to a higher power that I call the Great Spirit. It is a combination of all that I believe makes up the circle of life, including the energy from the next plane of existence, and the Great Mother (Earth). On the winter solstice 2020, I decided to open the age of Aquarius with a clean slate. I wrote down all kinds of things like what I am grateful for, what I need help with, what I need to let go. At the moment of the Solstice I prayed and burned all of my notes. The Ghost² was definitely in the “let go” category. I was done, tired of hanging on, tired of hoping I’d ever see him again. I had given up and was ready to let go and move forward. The next day, the very next fucking day he texted me.
I had been praying for a long time that if he’s not supposed to be in my life I never want to hear from him in any way. And I hadn’t heard from him in 5-6 months. Until the day after the solstice. It was a brief Merry Christmas text. It eventually led to a phone call. The last thing I heard from him was Christmas Eve 2020 and it was a text that ended with “we will talk soon.” I haven’t heard from him since. Even after being ghosted by him twice I really did think I’d hear from him again. Now perhaps you understand how stupid I can be about men. If he hadn’t contacted me in December I would have been done with this by now. I was well on my way then. He fucked me up for another 9 months. 9 months!
As much as I’ve tried to just forget him and move on, I’m still trying to reconcile everything. Now I know he is an asshole, a liar, and a coward. He knows how much I wanted to see him and he still treated me like garbage. I do not understand how THIS man could give me the total peace that he did. How was THIS man the one who didn’t upset my stomach and didn’t make my back hurt. The brief time I spent with him gave me such peace that it made everything bad go away even if just for a few moments. I’d rather not have had that peace at all than to have it dangled in front of me in the form of an irresistible man and then yanking him away. I wish I’d never seen him, never met him. I don’t know why it’s been so hard to just forget such an jerk. I have no idea – and probably never will – what I’m supposed to learn from this. I don’t know how to reconcile the peace I felt with the reality with which I am faced.
I’d love to have a fairy tale romance, but what I really want is pretty simple: I want a good man, and we’re good together, good for each other, and we’re crazy about each other; we make each other laugh, have good sex, and truly care about each other. Almost everything else can be worked out. I want someone who will hold my hand and kiss me on the lips in public. I envision an attraction that would often cause us to be late for dinner because we can’t keep our hands off each other and have to have a quickie; a man I could spend Sunday afternoon in bed with; we could walk on the beach and go back to our hotel and make love to the sound of the ocean; we’d be content drinking a glass of red wine and watching a sunset from our patio; a man I actually want to spend every day with and miss him when he’s gone.
In spite of everything, I still have a little hope there’s a man like that out there for me and that he’ll find me. It’s not a lot of hope mind you, but a spark… I also hope it’ll be made clear who he is if it happens. I hope things will get better. I hope this crappy year ends soon.
Next post: did something good happen in 2021?