Month: January 2020

You might think it doesn’t get cold in Tucson. You would be wrong. It doesn’t get too much below freezing often, but it does happen at least a few times each winter. We regularly get lows in the 30’s. Even with plenty of cold nights and a few cold days here and there, I have an inordinate number of coats for someone who lives in the desert. I don’t know why. Robbye, why are you telling us this!?! There’s a reason, I promise.

For our second date Dan the schoolteacher and I met at one of my favorite Mexican food restaurants called Casa Molina. I was early, so I got a margarita at the bar and waited until he arrived. You may recall an earlier second date with “Joe” when we went for Mexican food after a hike. I drank a large margarita too fast and was overly chatty. I was determined to not do that again. In addition, I was driving so I asked the bartender to go a little easy on the tequila. Dan arrived about 10 minutes later. We found a table and he ordered a beer.

The conversation was going well enough that we shooed the server away several times before finally ordering dinner. Determined to not get overly chatty I sipped my margarita. I probably should have drank that a little faster. Perhaps because we were both tired, about the time the food arrived the conversation had started to lag. Usually two people who don’t know each other well but are interested in the other person have no problem finding things to talk about. When I’m interested in someone I want to know about them, their life, their experiences, their likes and dislikes, and conversation rarely lags. That it did so, and so soon was not a good sign. However, I hoped it was an abberation and agreed to a 3rd date. Dan paid for our 1st date so I paid for this one.

The time came to leave. That night it was cold. Not freezing, but very cold and windy. I wanted to kiss him to see if there were any sparks. The problem was that even though I wore one of my warmest coats I was still quite cold (I told you there was a point). Dan forgot to grab a jacket before he left in the morning and he hadn’t yet been home after work. He was really, really cold. Cold overruled desire and we left. He later texted me that he really wanted to kiss me and I expressed the same sentiment. Next time we said. That was the week before Christmas. We communicated over Christmas, but I was hesitant to arrange a 3rd date just yet. However, I assured him I’d like another date but had a lot going on.

There are years when the holidays are fun for me. For reasons I’m not going into right now, there are years when they are not. This year was not. I felt I wanted to see Dan again and give it another chance. At the same time I didn’t feel any spark. I had no burning desire to see him again, or communicate with him often, or have long phone conversations. Between that and my general holiday difficulties I didn’t wholeheartedly want to set up a 3rd date. Additionally, my twin brother and his family were going to be visiting from Vermont over new year’s and I wasn’t going to take time away from them – I rarely get to see them. I joke with my brother that he could have moved a little farther away, like Maine.

I sent Dan a “happy new year” message new year’s day – only a week after our last communication – with the goal of setting up another date. Even with the lack of a spark I wanted to give it one more try. I did not hear back. Humpf. A few days later I sent another message. I have yet to hear back. Humpf. Perhaps he realized that if I was REALLY interested in seeing him again I’d make time to see him. Perhaps he was miffed I hadn’t communicated with him in a week. I didn’t feel it was necessary to tell someone I barely know that I was having a rough time over the holidays, which is one of the reasons I hadn’t contacted him. Maybe he met someone he is more interested in, or perhaps he just changed his mind. Regardless, I’ve been ghosted. Irritating but not disappointing.

Now I have to decide if I want to continue online dating. As you know from my previous post, I was considering canceling my subscription to Match. I have been discouraged about the lack of progress. I know dating sites do work. My twin met his amazing wife on Match. Two good friends met on Plenty of Fish. I have a customer at work who had given up on finding someone and she met her eventual husband on Match. I hadn’t seen her since I started online dating and she came into work a week ago. I mentioned to her I was on Match and not having any luck. She said to give it time, it took her a year to find the man who became her husband. I had already decided to cancel my subscription, but Match offered me 50% off for another 6 months. Keeping in mind the success of my brother and my customer at work, I took that offer. I’m still on Plenty of Fish. Between the two I will hopefully have more dates. We shall see.

Connections on the few dating sites I’m still on are getting harder to find. As you can imagine, after 6 months of viewing profiles there just aren’t enough new men to increase the odds I’ll make a connection. I’ve also pared it down to two sites which doesn’t help the odds.

At it’s peak, I was paying for 4 sites: Zoosk, Silver Singles (for people 50 and older), Plenty of Fish, and Match. I made some connections on Zoosk, but not enough to continue to pay for it. What you can do for free on Zoosk is very limited. After weeks of frustration with the free version I deleted my profile. I paid for 4 months of Silver Singles. A complete waste of time and money. Most of my matches were outside of Tucson, some as far as California, New Mexico and Texas. I did not make a single connection in 4 months. I deleted that account as well. I paid for a few months of Plenty of Fish which expired a while ago. I have kept that profile active because it has the most free features.

My 6 month subscription to Match is expiring this month. It is the last remaining site I’ve paid for. Doing a cost/benefit analysis, I’m not sure I want to continue to pay for it. I tried the free version of Eharmony first before deciding if I should pay for the full version. Their free version lets you see profile name and location, but little else including no photos. Too many of my matches were outside of Tucson to make it worth it. I deleted that profile too. I might try OurTime (for people 50 and older). I’m just not sure how much more I want to put into something that yields such poor results. In other words, why in the hell would I want to do this any longer?

Having said all that, I made a connection on Plenty of Fish about a month ago with a 56 year old man who just started teaching as his second career. You may recall a man I went on one date with who I called “Desert Dude,” a play on his profile name. The schoolteacher I connected with has the exact same profile name as the other Desert Dude, just on different sites. Fortunately, the Desert Dudes are not alike as the 1st one was kind of a turd.

I’m going to call the schoolteacher “Dan.” We chatted online a little over a period of days and decided to meet. Between his schedule and mine, it took more than a week to find a mutual time that would work. Dan participates in something called a Men’s Circle. I looked it up. Feel free to do the same. He had about an hour and a half between school and the Circle, so that’s when we met, at a place called Lodge on the Desert. It’s an historic boutique hotel and restaurant. We kept in touch by messaging every few days to confirm and reconfirm the day and time.

I have given up talking on the phone before I meet someone. I’m not sure why it’s not so important now. Some of the men seem reluctant to do so, perhaps because many of the men I’ve met for a date have a lisp to one degree or another. Not sure what’s up with that. In regards to meeting Dan, my tummy and back weren’t giving me any warnings. Just the usual anxiety of meeting someone new.

Although I am a Tucson native, and I know exactly where it is, I’ve never actually been to Lodge on the Desert. I wasn’t sure where we were supposed to meet, in the lobby or at the bar outside the restaurant so I hung out by my car until he got there. I look pretty much exactly the same as I do in my pictures so he recognized me when he pulled in. I swear every man I’ve met online and had a date with has a white pickup truck including Dan. Only one had anything different, and that was a white SUV (the other Desert Dude). Not sure what’s up with that either.

We made our way to the bar. We ordered drinks and apps. I had wine, Dan had iced tea. The participants in the Men’s Circle have committed to being sober during the weekly meeting, so he didn’t have the beer he assured me he would typically have. I certainly don’t require a man who drinks as long as they are okay with me drinking. Dan was just making clear he does imbibe. The conversation flowed smoothly. He’s cute, has pretty eyes, and is a thoughtful man with a variety of interesting life experiences. It was actually a 2-way conversation, unlike my dinner with the first Desert Dude. It was clear in our conversation we both would like a second date. We said things like “I’ll tell you that story another time.” As we left we hugged, but did not kiss.

Later that night he messaged me how much he enjoyed our date and his hope we can arrange a second one soon. I replied along the same vein. We ended up making a date the following week for dinner at one of my favorite Mexican restaurants. I’ll let you know how it went.

When I started online dating in July I didn’t expect to have an actual boyfriend or long term relationship at this point. I had hoped I would have someone I liked enough to take with me to the formal New Year’s Eve event I was attending again this year.

New Year’s Eve is mostly a couples night. New Year’s Eve 2015 I spent alone at home because my emotionality abusive alcoholic ex (EAAE) was passed out before I even got to his house from work at 6:30 p.m. I don’t remember what I did NYE 2016 or 2017. It was obviously unremarkable. I very likely stayed home. NYE 2018 I went to a formal event at a Country Club. I have a dear friend who invited me to go with her and her husband and 5 other couples. I had just started being interested in men again. The man who made me want to start dating just wasn’t an option. I hadn’t yet met anyone else. I did not have a date. The group of people I went with are a lot of fun. They took good care of me and never once made me feel like a 3rd, or 13th wheel as it were. I was hoping I wouldn’t be the only person at the party who didn’t have a date. I had hoped there might be 1 or 2 single men around my age attending the same party. If there were any there I didn’t see them.

The New Year’s Eve party I attended at the Country Club last year was my first black tie event. I’ve been to many formals, but never black tie. I was frankly very nervous about going. I’m usually anxious when facing unknown or new situations. This one doubly so. This is a fancy event at an exclusive country club. Would I fit in? At the time I knew only a few of the people I was going with. Would the rest of the group like me? Was my dress appropriate? I did my own hair and nails. Would people notice? I didn’t want to stand out because I looked like I didn’t belong. As it turns out I was stressed about nothing. I was dressed appropriately. Hair and nails were fine, and no one would really notice anyway. I was with a great group of people, 4 of whom I already knew, the other 8 were new to me. It didn’t matter. They took my dateless ass into their fold and I had a great time.

Fast forward to NYE 2019. From what you know about my online dating struggles, you can likely guess I went without a date. Again. I wasn’t as nervous about my dress and hair and such so the anxiety level this year was definitely lower than last year, but I can always find something to stress about. The worry gene was passed down from my grandmother to my mother to me. Thanks ladies. This year I was hoping they wouldn’t be disappointed that I couldn’t remember some of their names. There were also 2 new couples in the group. So 8 couples, my friends stepson who I had not previously met, and me. I’ve historically been bad at remembering names. I’ve been actively working on it and I’m getting better, but how was I going to remember them all?

As usual I was worried about nothing. You would think I’d have learned by now that worrying is silly, but you would be incorrect. I’m a work in progress. Some of the group from last year forgot my name, and they were all perfectly fine with me having to become familiar with them again. The new people were just as awesome as the rest of the group. And I remembered everyone’s name, eventually. From other visits to Tucson I’ve come to know better several of of the women in the group, amazing women I was glad to see and spend time with. The group was just as fun as I remember.

All in all it was a good night. Formal but not stuffy. Wine and liquor flowing. Fun fact: I prefer red wine, but when I go out I typically drink white. Why? Because I’m a klutz and I tend to spill. White is way easier to clean. Anyhow, there was lots of good food, great company, and fun music to dance to. In my every day life I spend a lot of time with friends who are couples. Not once have any of them ever made me feel unwelcome or intrusive. My NYE group was no different. All the couples live in another state and they know each other well, but I never felt excluded. Until midnight. It wasn’t their fault. They tried to get me on the dance floor for the balloon drop, but they were all on the dance floor with their spouse. I wasnt going to be by myself on the dance floor when everyone else was kissing their spouse at midnight. I sat at the table trying to pretend it didn’t matter. I don’t think I was very convincing.

We left when the DJ stopped and they turned the lights on. Some in the group were disappointed. I was glad to go. I typically have trouble sleeping, but the previous night was bad. 4 hours of sleep and a migraine. The migraine meds I took that morning had confined the pain to the back right portion of my head. I got only a quick nap before I had to get ready to go. As you can imagine, I was pretty tired when 1 a.m. came. We went back to my friends’ house. I ordered a Lyft (I prefer Lyft over the other ride sharing companies, just a personal choice) and reluctantly said my goodbyes. I was simultaneously eager to go home and go to bed and loathe to do so because I don’t get to see these people very often. My older dogs’ bladder won. My Lyft arrived and I left. My driver was very cute. We got to talking and I told him how I didn’t have a date for the event. He said he would have been my date! I’m sure he was just being nice. He was maybe late 20’s. Although I don’t look my age, I am 52. But it was nice of him to say and nice to hear.

I have 364 days to find a date for next year (2020 is a leap year). Wish me luck!